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20. The "What Exactly Are You Trying To Say?" Award:
I Am The Walrus by The Beatles
This may be a great Beatles tune, but I'm sure we're all more than aware of the lyrical incoherence perpetrated by this particular number. I'm not talking about the obvious, though. I'm not gonna mention how the eggman just so happens to also be the walrus, I'm not gonna talk about the yellow matter custard, the crabalocker fishwife, or even goo goo g'joob.
Often when people look at this song they overlook the very first line in the song:
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together
...Uh...okay. So if you're he...and HE'S he...and I'm you...
Wait. Who is the 2nd he anyway, and why wasn't he mentioned again? Who is as he? How-...
I should probably stop thinking about this before my head explodes.
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19. The "Overtness Award That You Just Won. You. The Guy Who Just Won It. This Award Is For You." Award:
Nights In White Satin by The Moody Blues
As big a fan of The Moody Blues I am, this line just doesn't fit in their most popular tune for the sheer bluntness of it all. The Moodies have oft been known for their lyrical prose, and great artistic merit, but I guess that when it came time to write the chorus for this song, they used all that up thinking of lyrics for the REST of Days Of Future Passed, and can only come up with:
'Cause I loved you
YES I LOVED YOU!
(Aaaaaaahhh.....)
OHHHH HOW I LOOOOOVED YOOOOOOUUUU!!!!
(AAAAAAAA-aaaaaaahhhh.....)
Wherein the lead singer wails at the top of his lungs either in the throes of passion, or intense gastric pain.
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18. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Part 1):
Milkshake by Kelis
It seems that using food as a metaphor to describe one's sexual organs is something of a recurring theme in Hip Hop music. This song has the distinction of having one of the worst of said sexual metaphors. (Though not THE worst, which will be touched upon later. No pun intended.)
If you haven't been living under a rock in 2003-04 it was hard to escape this song and its refrain of:
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're like: It's better than your's
Damn right, it's better than your's
I can teach you, but I'd have to charge
Leaving the inexcusable crime of rhyming "Your's" with "Charge" aside for a moment, let's have a look at the metaphor. She's describing her sexual organs....as akin to a milkshake.
Now think about it for a brief moment. A milkshake is a drink that is known to be THICK and COLD.
Someone had to say it. I'm just sorry it had to be ME.
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17. The "You Never Paid Attention In English Class, Did You?" Award:
Ironic by Alanis Morrissette
This bears no description. I think we all know what I'm talking about.
The no-smoking sign on the cigarette break.
The black fly in the Chardonnay.
The ray-hee-hain on the Wedding Day.
Nothing in the song is ironic at all, although Alanis would later claim that that is what makes the song so ironic. That nothing in the song is ironic at all. (Which also isn't ironic, just wrong. Unlike the rest of the "ironies" in the tune, which are just unlucky.)
It would be easier to believe that she deliberately skirted the laws of grammar if she hadn't later said that she was the "Queen of Malapropisms."
Another statement used incorrectly.
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16. The "Anthromorphic Furniture" Award:
I Am by Neil Diamond
In the midst of yet another heartstring-tugging (If you're pushing 60.) ballad about being far away from home and being down on your luck in LA, in what's either a desperate attempt at sympathy, or a total lack of rhyming words, Neil Diamond let's this one go during the chorus of the tune:
I Am, I Said
To Noone There
Which just sort of sets the scene, that being the crushing loneliness of being Neil Diamond, but it's the next verse that would make any sensible person go "Wait, WHAT?"
And Noone Heard At All
Not Even The Chair
Obviously I'm just dancing around the REAL issue here, but let me first point out that "To Noone There" implies that you're alone. There's nobody else there. Of course nobody is going to hear you.
Now for the elephant in the room which is the deaf chair.
It's obvious from the lyrics that try as he may, Neil Diamond could not make the chair hear him. I submit that it could be for one of these reasons:
1. The chair was pre-occupied with its own dilemmas, and couldn't be bothered to help out Neil Diamond when he desperately needed it.
2. The chair had a personal vendetta with Neil Diamond and was deliberately shoving its hypothetical fingers into its ears, deliberately ignoring him.
3. It's a freaking chair with no auditory system to speak of, you fool. Your (Or whoever wrote the song's) attempt at poetry is truly a sad one.
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15. The "Inexplicable Gear Shift" Award:
Still Fighting It by Ben Folds
The wikipedia article on this song describes it as a "bittersweet ode to the pain of adolesence."
Because as we all know, teenage angst goes hand in hand with anthromorphic, brown-shirted, bird waiters.
Good morning, son. I am a bird
*Gearshift*
Wearing a brown polyester shirt.
*Gearshift*
You want a coke? Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo's only $9.95.
It's okay, you don't have to pay,
I've got all the change...
I prefer MY teenage angst with the jalapeno poppers.
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14. The "Obscure Facial Ornaments" Award:
We Want A Rock by They Might Be Giants
Anyone who is a fan of TMBG like I am is secure enough in their fanliness (I hope that catches on.) to admit that some of the two Johns' songs are pretty ridiculous even by their standards.
This song, like many others, is very likely a stream-of-conciousness song, so it would make sense for it not to make sense with lyrics like these:
If I were a carpenter
I'd Hammer on my piglet, I'd
Ridiculous, but probably intentional. But the next verse contains a notion that keeps me awake at night in a cold sweat.
Collect the seven dollars and I'd
Buy a big prosthetic forehead
And wear it on my real head
....
Prosthetic Foreheads?
Is there really a market for those? Who would be in such a horrific shape that they'd NEED one, and what could have possibly happened that would merit the need for one?
They Might Be Giants generally include a lot of metaphors in their work, but for the life of me I can't possibly begin to imagine what kind of screwed up meaning could be behind a prosthetic forehead.
Speaking of metaphors...
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13. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Part 2): The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang
When white frat boys rap, the whole world screams in abject horror. Especially when it's filled with cringe-inducing, migraine-causing images like this one:
So turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee
With that automatic drip
.....New Rule:
When you use food as a metaphor for sexuality...don't ever use the word or imply in any way shape or form dripping.
Eeewww...
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12. The "I Desperately Need A Rhyming Dictionary" Award:
All American Girl by Train
My dad used to tell me I was lazy
I got dance moves like Patrick Swayze
I'm the left over turkey
For the world's mayonnaisey
It's bad enough that you've just rhymed "Swayze" with "Turkey."
But "Mayonnaisey"?
You couldn't get Dr. Seuss to come up with something that silly.
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11. The "Keep Me Away From Your Cutlery" Award:
How Could This Happen To Me by Simple Plan
Everybody sing along!:
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
At first glance it's nigh-impossible to tell if this is an actual song or not, since it seems to be entirely a caricature of Emo subculture, right on down to the typically shrill adolescent whine that so many of those groups use.
I'm sure they meant well (Maybe.) but it's just so hard to take it seriously with lyrics this maudlin.
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10. The "I'm Crazy And Liable To Do Anything!" Award:
Don't Fuck Wit Me by Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz
Now it's not like Lil Jon has EVER been considered an artist(?) of real merit and importance in the grand scheme of music as a whole, but in case you needed any FURTHER confirmation of his inabilities as an artist:
Why you fuckin wit me?
Stop fuckin wit me!
Don't be fuckin wit me!
Stop fuckin wit me!
If I had to venture a guess, the person in question is still fuckin' wit him to this very day.
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9. The "Social Drinker" Award:
Get Drunk And Be Somebody by Toby Keith
Country music has long had a history of having lyrics that are either really stupid ("You can tell my lips, or you can tell my hips.") really corny ("What a wonderful world this would be, If French fries were fat free, And you still love me.") or just have extremely weird titles. (Dropkick Me Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life.)
This one on the other hand...
Well all week long I'm a real nobody,
But I just punched out and its paycheck Friday,
Weekends here, good God almighty,
I'm going to get drunk and be somebody
Doesn't this kind of remind you of those people who say that they do something better when their drunk? This in a nutshell is essentially saying the singer EXISTS better when they're drunk.
I guess that explains "Courtesy Of The Red, White, And Blue", though.
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8. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Part 3):
Tootsie Roll by 69 Boyz
Yet another tune that equates female genitalia to food products, and probably the most inappropriate of the lot.
Cotton candy, sweet and low,
Let me see that tootsie roll
Come on, tootsie roll,
Just make that tootsie roll
Here we go, tootsie roll,
Just make that tootsie roll,
You're comparing a woman's most sensitive erogenous zones to a candy that is hard, stiff, gooey, thick, and tastes like a yeti's armpit?
I can sense everybody who liked that song's erections fade into nothingness.
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7. The "Are You Sure You're Not Having A Seizure?" Award
Gibberish by Relient K
It's my opinion that Christianity (Christian Rock, more likely.) has a negative effect on one's brain cells. Observe my evidence below:
Arg wu sentafinticate nar dunderford
Bida menti kosticated interserd
Thorphilliate stinded yilla billa zay
Wentora yate paravillintiniay
...Huh........go on?
Mork swax ippen reeby yufftabar
Higged quillip ernigrade du wellinshar
Lirp crawn xyfa gourk jawinstarbay
Venaldo urp paravillintiniay
As if all that garglemesh wasn't enough, the singer later accuses ME of talking gibberish, demanding that I stop talking gibberish, or just stop talking.
Hey, man. You started it.
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6. The "Poseur? ME?" Award:
Informer by Snow
THIS is Snow:
He's White.
He's from Canada.
THIS is Informer, a song that vaguely resembles reggae:
You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame
A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say
Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom-boom down
Questions?
PS: "Licky-boom boom"?
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5. The "La La Na Na Na Hey Hey Doo Doo Doo" Award:
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do by Neil Sedaka
The "La La Na Na Na Hey Hey Doo Doo Doo" award recognizes excellence in when a group or singer is so lyrically bankrupt, instead of putting lyrics in a song, they fill it with collections of letters that only RESEMBLE lyrics. When people fill their chorus or verses with La's, Na's, Hey's, Doo's, etc. (The award is so named for Limozeen's inexplicably named song: Feed The Childrens.)
After all my searching, I have come across what appears to be the crown jewel of them all:
Doo doo doo down dooby doo down down
Comma comma down dooby doo down down
Comma comma down dooby doo down down
Breaking up is hard to do
Apparently getting to the point is hard to do too, Neil.
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4. The "Not Really Inappropriate, But Still Quite Stupid Metaphor" Award:
Icebox by Omarion
Omarion, who either doesn't know what an icebox is, or was at a complete lack of REAL metaphors to make some lyrics that AREN'T completely idiotic, gives us this:
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
...You have an icebox for a heart.
That's a fridge.
You're saying you have a FRIDGE for a heart.
Fridges aren't even that cold when they're plugged in, and when they aren't they're lukewarm at most.
.....A FRIDGE.....for a HEART....
My only explanation for this is that Omarion thought that icebox actually meant "Box of Ice." Like a cube. An ICE Cube, maybe.
Maybe.
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3. The "At Least He's Honest" Award:
Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad by Meat Loaf
Meat Loaf, who is as much a hopeless romantic as he is concise (His tunes regularly clocked in at over ten minutes in length.) wistfully croons this ballad of love, romance, and general sentimentality:
I want you. I need you.
But there is no way that I am ever going to love you.
Better that he tell you up front than your having to learn the hard way, I guess.
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2. The "Repetition Is An Acceptable Replacement For A Lack Of Lyrics" Award:
Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz
I Want To Get Away
I Wanna Fly Away
Yeeeaaaaaah yeeaaaaaah
YEAAAAAAAH!
Repeat into oblivion.
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1. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Finale):
I'm sure many of you saw this coming:
MacArthur Park by Richard Harris
Sing along with me!
MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
In this instance, cake is a metaphor for love...because I think we've all seen the connection.
Love is a harsh and fickle mistress.
Love is a delicate flower slowly wafting about in the light spring breeze.
Love is cake. And y'know what else love is? Pants. Specifically STRIPED pants.
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again
Still with the cake metaphor, huh? Because obviously if there's one thing that represents love it's not just cake...It's cake that's been rained upon. And while we are presented with these elegant(?) metaphors we are soon treated to just how much the lead singer can sound like an echo through a rusty pipe with a resounding cry of:
OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Is he shouting that because he's mourning for his long lost love, or because he's a Shakespearean actor being forced to sing such an insipid number?
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Post your own ridiculous lyric lines you've heard in songs.
